Creating An Atmosphere of Attunement

Parenting a teenager comes with unique challenges. As they strive for independence, they still need emotional support—but not in a way that undermines their ability to handle life’s difficulties. Children who have been adopted, or are being raised by other family members struggle with typical teen challenges and often struggle with attachment issues. These attachment issues may  look like a strong need for control and a lack of trust in those around them. This oftentimes leads to a higher level of conflict with their parents. 

So how does a parent help their child who needs a higher level of emotional support?  The key is attuning to their emotional needs without rescuing them from discomfort. While attunement fosters resilience and confidence, rescuing can unintentionally prevent them from developing essential coping skills. 
Attuning means being present, listening deeply, and helping your teen navigate their emotions—without taking control of the situation. It fosters emotional security while empowering them to develop problem-solving skills.

Attunement is healthy support.  When you attune to your teen you are; validating feelings without fixing, asking open ended questions, encouraging independence and independent problem solving, helping to process their emotions and most importantly, providing emotional safety. 
Rescuing is when you are solving the problems for your teen, giving advice without listening, taking over their responsibilities, shielding them from discomfort or failure and minimizing or dismissing their emotional reactions. Examples of rescuing include, calling the teacher or coach for them, minimizing, ignoring, and dismissing their feelings, doing their homework or a project so it isn’t late, or telling their teen what to do without hearing first what their teens want to do.  
Attunement is about creating an atmosphere where your teen feels safe, heard, and understood. A parent’s own mental and emotional state often influences how we parent our teens.  Does your teen’s needs create your own anxiety? Are they triggering you?  Does that anxiety lead to you to solve their problems for them?  Learning how to take a breath before stepping in and asking yourself if you are responding to their need or reacting to the situation at hand, will help foster better attunement.  Consider working with a parent coach or a therapist to help reframe struggles your teen is having.  Remind yourself that the struggle is a necessary part of growing and building resilience. There is always a gift that arises from the struggle. 

Not every conversation with your teen has to be a deep heart-to-heart. Sometimes, connection happens during casual moments—on a car ride, while making dinner, or during a late-night snack. Keep the door open for natural, pressure-free communication.
Humor or playfulness is an important part of building a relationship with your teen. Humor lessons tension and creates a loving atmosphere where your teen can come to you with their challenges. 
Approach your teen with curiosity.  Become a reporter who is asking who, what and where questions, but never why.  Why questions automatically put a person on the receiving end, into a defensive stance.  Reframe your questions for your teen to “Tell me more about that” or how did that happen? To help create their own independent thinking, ask, “what did you learn about this (situation)”? Or what will help you the next time?

Validate difficult or different feelings without solving their problems.  Do this even if their emotions seem disproportionate to the situation.  Their feelings are real to them.  Use affirming language such as “I can see why that upset you”.  Or the simple, “that sucks”. Encourage their own problem solving skills.  Simply ask, “what is your plan” or “who can you talk to about this?” “I am here if you need me.” These responses both validate and leave the door open for when your teen is ready to talk more in depth.  
Let your teen set the pace for emotional sharing. If they pull away, don’t force conversations. Simply remind them you’re there whenever they’re ready. Remind your teen that you are there for them and they are not alone in this. 

This approach helps teens feel seen, heard, and capable of handling their own challenges When parents prioritize emotional attunement, teens develop greater self-awareness, resilience, and trust in their relationships. Small, consistent efforts to tune in can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections that last a lifetime.

Attuning to your teen’s emotions while allowing them to struggle and problem-solve builds their confidence, resilience, and self-trust. This is especially important for adopted teens, who may face additional emotional layers tied to their adoption story. It tells them: “I believe in your ability to handle this, and I’m here for you.” By staying connected without over-functioning, you empower your teen to grow into a capable, emotionally secure individual.
Would you like more personalized strategies for your teen’s specific challenges? Let’s continue the conversation!

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