When Acts of Service Meets the Rescuer Role

In the world of therapeutic consulting, it’s common to encounter parents who deeply resonate with the love language of Acts of Service. For these families, love is expressed and received through actions that help, support, or ease the burden of their child. Whether it’s preparing a meal, running errands, or stepping in during a time of need, their actions communicate care, compassion, and connection.

While this love language is inherently nurturing and generous, it can also lead to challenges—especially when it intersects with the Rescuer role in the Drama Triangle. The Rescuer, as described by Stephen Karpman, takes on a position of "helping" others to the detriment of their own well-being, often enabling dependency or neglecting their own needs. For our families that may look like excusing behaviors and doing too much for their children.  Parents often become rescuers due to a combination of love, fear, and societal expectations..  
How Parents Turn Into RescuersParents often become rescuers due to a combination of love, fear, and societal expectations. Crossing the boundary from Acts of Service to Rescuer happens for multiple reasons.  Parents have a natural desire to protect their children.  This protection, while rooted in love, does not allow their child to learn resilience or natural consequences when they are protecting the child from failures or discomfort.  This transformation happens through several pathways.  Many parents are academically focused and the parents fear that if they do not step in, their child’s consequences will adversely impact their future.  By not allowing a child or teen to advocate for themselves, and having never learned the skill, that child or teen will not be able to navigate college, or  the world at large, on their own. 
There are parents who have difficulty setting boundaries. That parent struggles to differentiate between healthy help and enabling dependency.  Some parents were parented themselves by rescuers.  They lacked the support growing up and perpetuated the cycle of generational patterns.  For other parents, they derive a sense of identity or accomplishment by being needed by their children.  It validates the parental need to be a parent and creates an unhealthy codependent relationship. 
By recognizing these tendencies, parents can reflect on their behaviors and make conscious efforts to empower rather than rescue their children.
Validating the Acts of Service Love Language
So, how do we validate the beauty of the Acts of Service love language while guiding clients to avoid slipping into the Rescuer role? One key insight is to not invalidate the natural tendency for Acts of Service.  Too often a family therapist may tell a parent not to rescue their child from the uncomfortable. They often forget that Acts of Service is an ingrained part of their identity.  This invalidates the parent's natural love language. It’s important to emphasize that Acts of Service is a beautiful and meaningful way to express love.   
We teach parents how to recognize the differences between helping and rescuing.  We teach parents how to empower their children while not rescuing them.  We teach them how to coach their own children.  An example may be instead of telling their child what to do, or doing their school work for them, they ask if they can brainstorm ideas instead. Guide parents to ask empowering questions, such as, “What do you think you could do about this?” or “How can I support you in handling this yourself?” This shifts the dynamic from fixing to supporting and support is a natural and wonderful way to express your Acts of Service.
Teach families that holding boundaries is another form of Acts of Service.  If a kiddo forgets to bring something to school, and texts a parent at work, it is ok to hold a boundary and allow that child to problem solve.  Teach parents to set limits on their time, energy, and resources. Encourage parents  to practice saying "no" when a request feels overwhelming or unnecessary.  It is important to teach that the idea of boundaries are an act of both self care and problem solving empowerment. 
Invite parents to explore the emotional drivers behind their actions. Are they seeking validation, avoiding conflict, or fearing rejection? Understanding these patterns can help clients make conscious choices.
It is also important to teach parents to prioritize their own self care.  Self care models healthy behaviors for loved ones and demonstrates that it is okay to prioritize oneself. Self care while parenting a teenager, often requires a two step process.  The initial step is to teach yourself techniques to release stress.  If your tank is filled with stress, releasing the stress often leaves an empty tank.  Therefore, the subsequent step may be exploring options to refill what was depleted.

Again, it is important to acknowledge both internally and externally to the parent, that Acts of Service can foster deep connections and show thoughtfulness.  It is a proactive process that expresses care and can build trust in the relationships.  Acts of Service stems from a place of love and generosity which are positive traits when expressed within healthy boundaries.  By validating a parent’s love language, parents feel seen and respected rather than criticized for their natural tendencies which often can overstep
Understanding the intersection of Acts of Service and the Rescuer role offers a profound opportunity for growth. By validating the beauty of this love language, while teaching parents to set boundaries, and teaching them to empower their children, we can guide parents toward healthier and more balanced relationships. 
In the end, it is not about giving less love but about giving love in ways that sustain both themselves and their relationships. Acts of Service, when paired with mindfulness, understanding, and boundaries, can be a powerful tool for creating connection and well being.